Where I Belong

I have lived in Nashville for an entire year. I will give warning before I begin, this post will be long. And personal. I am sharing the things I've learned, what I've had to go through, and who I think I've become in the time that I've lived here.

I can still remember the morning I drove away from my family and my best friends. Vividly. Even though it wasn't that long ago, I think I'll remember it as vividly as I do now for the rest of my life. I wasn't just driving away from home, I was driving into the complete unknown. I had no idea what was in store for me in my city. I remember the thoughts, fears, dreams I had during the 12 hours of driving here. It might sound stupid, but that girl in the car seems like a completely different person than who I am now.

One afternoon, maybe in September, I was on the phone with a very dear woman in my life. At that point I'd only been here one month, and I wasn't sure I wanted to stay. I wasn't sure if the dreams I thought I had were the dreams I wanted anymore. And I was telling my friend all these things. And she didn't tell me whether I should go home or whether I should stay. Instead, she brought up Elijah from the bible and related my situation to his. She said, "maybe like Elijah, God is calling you out of comfort and into the wilderness so he can finally reveal all He has planned for you."

She really hit the nail on the head. Dead on. Because that's exactly what happened. Not overnight. It's taken all the time from the moment I drove away to now, as I type all of this out, to become this version of me.

I figured I'd break it down for all of you in seasons, so you know what happened to me that brought me to this point. 

Fall -

When I think back to this time of the year, I think of being in awe. I was like a little kid at Disney World for the first time; For four years I dreamt this place up to be something so magical and so unbelievable that when I finally got here I was just breathless. Everyday I'd wake up and go out in the town and I was so wide-eyed. So mesmerized. So full of joy. Even when I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay, I always felt the magic. I was so excited about everything. Excited about being in the city I'd dreamed of since I was 15, about seeing the skyline off of the highway, about making new friends, about how much greener everything is here, about how I could feel a change inside of me.

The change started, though, with my church. I've never walked into a place and felt the Holy Spirit's presence more. I don't even remember feeling it that strongly on the night I gave my life to Christ. And honestly, it freaked me out. I hadn't felt a fire like that in a long time. But all I knew was that I wanted more. And more and more. So I kept going back. It's really emotional to think of it all as I type this out. In going back, I found my best friends. In going back, I started giving money in the offering for the first time in my life. In going back, I broke down walls that I've had up for years. And because of that, in going back, I became okay with actually feeling things, instead of refusing to let myself be vulnerable. And so, in going back, I became a girl that actually cries. In going back, I witnessed miracles of healing. In going back, I was reminded every week of how desperate I am for my relationship with God. In going back, my mind has been opened to something new every single week.

This season had to happen, because it was almost a rebirth for me. (Rebirth: an action of starting to flourish) I could be whoever I wanted because anyone that knew me was 700 miles away. It couldn't help but be a rebirth. There was no choice. And what a beautiful season it was.

Winter -

I feared this season. In my mind, winter means bad. Winter means melt down. Winter means lonely. It means something is going to happen that will try to break me. That's what I've always experienced in winter. Not always as dramatic as what I named off, but winter's just never been a good time for me. But I had nothing to fear. In spite of what did happen in the winter, I became certain of two things;

1.) Nashville is where I am supposed to be.

2.) I am entirely dependent on God as my provider.

It was in this season that I stopped thinking of maybe moving back to Wichita. I didn't question Nashville anymore. I had one bad night in January a few days after I came back to Nashville after going back to Kansas for Christmas. I went to go get gas by myself, and when I went inside to pay, the woman helping me at the register looked me in the eyes and asked, "are you sick?" It wasn't that big of a deal, but something stung in me when she asked me that. I wasn't even thinking when I responded to her with, "yeah, I am sick." She said she was sorry, and then we parted our ways, I pumped my gas, and I drove back home. Once I was inside, I fell onto my bed and I cried and cried. Was it that obvious? A random stranger could see in my eyes that something was sick inside of me. The sickness was that I had a torn heart. Half of my heart wanted to do what was easy and move back to Kansas. That made more sense to me, especially financially. But the other half knew that I wasn't called out here to stay for only 5 months. But I was willing to forget about that just to go back home so life could be easy. (I wasn't as in touch with my emotions as I am now that I write this out. I still had quite a few walls up and I was afraid to vulnerable) I didn't want to deal with how I was feeling about everything. I was ready to move back, regardless of whether or not I loved Nashville. 

But on January 6th, the message at church that night changed my mind about going home. Our sweet pastor gave a beautiful message about rest. How God revealed to her several times that 2015 is the year of rest. And she didn't mean the "sit back and take it easy and not really do anything" kind of rest. She meant resting in the fact that God is who He says He is, and that He'll fulfill His promises if we rest in Him. We don't have to become crazy and restless trying to figure everything out for ourselves if we would simply rest in Him. We need only soften our hearts so we can hear His voice. I remember falling to my knees when the sermon was over and crying out to God, thanking Him for His rest, because in that moment, I was certain that I was meant to stay in Nashville and I was going to rest in that truth. I felt changed. Something in me was changing. She actually started the sermon out by saying that what she had to say would literally change our lives (if we applied it). I entered God's rest and walked away changed. 

Fall was a rebirth, and winter was a renewal. (Renewal: an instance of resuming a state after an interruption) (My thoughts of wanting to do it my way and move back home were an interruption) I think it was necessary for the rebirth to come before the renewal. Both had to happen in order to prepare me for what came next.. 

Spring - 

The start of spring was a parallel to the season. When I think of this spring, I think of feeling young. I think of possibilities, I think of how hopeful I felt for what God had in store. I entered my 20s during this new season, and I felt like anything could happen. Ironically, anything that could happen did. And I never saw it coming. 

When we think of spring, we think of growth and blooming and bright colors and good vibes stemming from good weather. Usually. I am using these descriptive words of spring as a comparison to a certain relationship in my life that began to really... bloom, or grow. It was with a boy. The relationship was very fast in all its developmental glory. Not necessarily in a bad way, it was just fast. But it caught my attention, that's for sure. And not even right away. But nevertheless. It felt young, it felt hopeful, and it felt like there were limitless possibilities. And maybe there were. But there are not anymore. 

I could go into fine detail about what happened in this relationship with this boy, but it could perhaps hurt this person (if he were to even read this). It's a potential recipe for disaster to tell everyone what happened, but it's also a little immature. I've written plenty of songs about it, that you'll hear (hopefully) soon enough anyways. There just isn't a point in me telling the people that have access to this blog (which is anyone and everyone) what happened between he & I, other than, he did something that hurt me very badly and essentially resulted in the flourishing of that relationship to come to an end all together and it is now at a point where it will more than likely never be the same. 

Because of what happened with him, I had to deal with all sorts of emotions that I wasn't even aware I had in me. It wasn't very fun to go through, but honestly, I'm very glad that it happened. One night, I was kneeling in my bedroom, singing and playing my guitar, when all of the sudden I just broke into tears, face down in the carpet, crying out to God that I forgive this boy. And in forgiving this boy, I began to forgive others who had hurt me, and God began to stir something in my heart, and He began to reveal to me how so much of what I hold onto and so much of what I make important has absolutely no meaning at all. In that moment, I remember thinking, I just want Jesus. I just want Jesus. Nothing else. I just want Jesus. 

I didn't need anything else. If I started to think of anything other than Jesus, I would literally become disinterested or disgusted. Nothing else mattered to me anymore. Nothing had meaning to me but Jesus and my relationship with Him. All my worries and fears, my broken heart, the thing that caused my heart to break, had no meaning anymore and I felt so liberated. I felt so clean, and so refreshed. I had finally reached this mindset of not needing or wanting anything other than the only thing that matters. 

And that has been the mindset that I still have now, as I write this out. Of course, I have been distracted by other things since that night of revelation, but I absolutely cannot forget that Jesus is the only thing that matters. 

So far, rebirth, renewal, and now refresh. Which is the perfect word for spring in general anyways. (Refresh: to give new strength or energy to) Despite what I went through, I am very grateful for all that happened to me in the springtime. 

Summer - 

Spring really just melted into summer. I never felt the change of seasons, probably because I was dealing with the repercussions of spring so much that I didn't notice what took place around me. And now, the end of summer is near and it flew by quicker than any other season, as it always does. But as it also so often happens, when you reach the end of summer, you're able to look back on all that you've learned, not realizing when or how you learned it, but you did. 

I'm exactly who I want to be. I have become a new and revived version of myself that I never want to lose sight of. I see God in everything. I go to Him for everything. I choose Him over everything. And I believe in Him, I can do anything. 

Recently I started wearing my hair naturally again. If you remember last year, I posted here about being fearless and not caring about my hair, but that quickly changed just a couple months after I moved here. I honestly think I just got bored with wearing the same hairstyle every day, and so I gave in and started straightening it and curling it and killing it by doing so. Which resulted in me doing what I have always done, which was ask God why I have frizzy, tangly hair that LITERALLY does not grow. But after most of my friends down here basically harassed me into wearing it natural again, I chose to do it. And after I had fixed it up, I was looking at my hair in the mirror and I started to have the same negative thoughts of doubt, when a small voice in me said, no. I began to declare that my hair is beautiful and that God is certainly big enough to make my hair grow past my back and I promised that I would never touch my hair with a straightener or curling iron or any chemical ever again, until it was past my back. And I have been declaring over my life ever since then that I will have long hair, because God is big enough. 

I made a decision to never like or pursue a boy ever again, because in the past, the false hope that is placed in me when I start to put all my thoughts and dreams into a boy, has always left me feeling empty because nothing good came from it. I've "technically" never dated anyone, and I don't even care anymore. I don't need anything but my Jesus. He's more than enough and more than any man. That might sound like a strange concept, to never like a boy again, but what I mean in saying that, is that I'm done looking. I won't be the one that makes something happen between me and a guy. One thing I learned from the events of springtime, is that I shouldn't have to convince someone to love me. And whoever I end up with will be certain of his feelings for me. Whoever I'm supposed to be with will approach me and completely sweep me off my feet with surprise and God will have orchestrated it all. I choose to believe that what He has in store for me is good. And His timing is perfect. And I'm sure I'll be reminded of that whenever that guy enters my life. 

I'm just incredibly in awe of all that God has done to bring me to where I am today. I'm confident that Nashville is where I belong, and I don't think I've been this confident about anything else, maybe ever. 

Rebirth, renewal, refresh, and revive. (Revive: to restore to life.) Summer brought me back to life. I have become the best version of myself through my Jesus, and now, I look forward to everything he'll reveal to me in my 2nd year of living here. 

I am home.