Hello Twenties

Ever since I moved to Nashville, I've been postponing and postponing writing about what it's been like living here. I am a very internal person. With most everything, but most of all, with my thoughts and my words. Especially when it comes to heavy things. I don't typically categorize things, but this specific time of my life definitely goes under the category of "heavy things." With out a doubt. 

Words matter to me. I have to take time to really decide how I feel about something. I try to never go with my first initial feeling or reaction. In all circumstances. I know myself well enough to know that I change my mind. A lot. Too much, even. And because of that, I try to really dissect what happens to me in order to decide how I feel about it. 

Think about that word, decide, for a minute. Decide, as in, make a decision. In my opinion, making a decision requires serious thought which requires a bit of time. I take my time thinking about things. I feel like you have to go through things over time to learn the truth about different parts of life. 

Just know that I have spent time trying to figure out how I feel about living here in Nashville and figuring out what effects me and what doesn't. (I've been trying to write this post since I moved here 6 months ago)

The end of the second week was the worst. I was very ready to come home. Partly because from the moment I got here, absolutely nothing made this place feel like home. It felt like this was a temporary thing, like I'd be going back home to Wichita once it was over, whenever that was. And then partly because I just missed everyone and everything that was 700 miles from my reach. I didn't even want to internalize it. I just wanted to go home. 

But, through God, amazing friends, and thinking hard about it all, I was reminded that I am doing a very unique and special thing here. I've taken the road less traveled, gone down a narrow path. I've made an adventure for myself. I finally have what I've only begged for since I was 15. I'm in Nashville freaking Tennessee. WHAT? The concept (and truth) of this, being that I am in a new town filled with new people during a new chapter of my life and I can be whoever I want to be, is a very beautiful, magical thing. 

What makes all of this better is that not only did I essentially start an entire new life here, but I'm entering a new time of life; my twenties.

The year 1995 was twenty years ago. Which baffles me. I'm nearly finished with a quarter of my life. I remember this time last year, I was lying in my bed late at night, trying to fall asleep but I was thinking about a thousand different things (which happens every night) and it suddenly occurred to me that I was almost no longer a teenager. I started freaking out about all the things I've never done, that I guess someone or something put it in my mind that by the time I was a certain age, if I hadn't done certain things, then my life was basically hopeless. But thankfully, I've gained new perspective since then, and instead of focusing on what I haven't done, I should focus on what I have. So what if I've never been to New York. I've been out of the country. So what if I didn't go to college? I may not be rich, but I'm not in debt. So what if I've (literally) never dated anyone (this one was the hardest to swallow) I moved to Nashville all by myself when I was nineteen years old, and if I had been committed to a serious relationship in Kansas, there is no way I would have followed my dreams and moved here. The cool thing is that I'm not taking the route of the world. I'm not saying that dating and college are bad, I'm saying I am different. Which is such a cool thing! I'm (almost) 20 (on Monday!) and I'm doing exactly what I want. It all feels like a dream. Even when it's hard. I still smile to myself over the magic of my life. I'm extremely overwhelmed by God's love and the Holy Spirit's presence. How undeniable they are!  

The most exciting part about all of it is that I have no idea what the future holds. But in the meantime, I plan on finding out by learning from my mistakes, continuing to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, listening to Mat Kearney's new album all day, every day, falling in love, writing as many songs as I can, reading books, being thankful for my new job, worshipping God in all my ways, remembering how magical Nashville, Tennessee is, and enjoying being twenty.